Alan’s Birthday

 

Scene 1: The Apartment

Alan sat on the couch, watching a microwave that wasn’t plugged in. It beeped every ten seconds anyway.

Today was his birthday. He knew this because his calendar, which hadn’t been updated since 2019, had today’s date circled in red marker—with the words “Alan’s Probable Birthday?” scribbled underneath in his own handwriting.

From the kitchen, his roommate Gerald emerged, holding a balloon that had “Happy Bar Mitzvah!” written on it in Comic Sans. He handed it to Alan wordlessly and then sat down on the floor to knit a single glove using spaghetti.

“Thanks,” Alan said. “I’ve always wanted cultural confusion on my special day.”

Gerald didn’t look up. “I got it from a party supply dumpster. It still had air. That’s rare.”

Scene 2: The Elevator

Later, Alan decided to treat himself. He pressed the button for the building’s elevator, which promptly opened to reveal a room filled with live chickens and one confused opera singer humming the Jeopardy! theme in Latin.

Alan got in. The elevator went sideways.

Scene 3: The Party (Maybe?)

The elevator deposited him into what might have been a party—or possibly a very enthusiastic support group for people who enjoy lukewarm water.

There was a cake. It said “Happy Retirement, Steve” in frosting. No one was named Steve.

A man wearing three neckties approached Alan and handed him a gift bag. Inside was a single sock and a fortune cookie. The fortune read:

“Your best days are behind you. Good thing you didn’t like them anyway.”

Alan nodded solemnly. “Accurate.”

Scene 4: The Revelation

Just as he was about to leave, a stranger tapped him on the shoulder.

“Are you the Alan?” the stranger asked, eyes wide.

Alan blinked. “Possibly. Depends who’s asking.”

The stranger whispered, “I’m from the Mehverse Registry. You’re officially the 1,000,000th Alan born in a calendar year. You win… a hat.”

He placed a beige hat on Alan’s head. It said “#1 Alan (Statistically Speaking)” in lowercase letters.

There was a single clap from the corner. It echoed for an uncomfortably long time.

Scene 5: The End (ish)

Alan returned home to find a hot pocket inside the microwave. It was still unplugged. It still beeped.

He sat on the couch again, wearing his new hat, holding the balloon, and eating the sock (it turned out to be made of fondant).

Gerald stirred and mumbled, “Was it a good birthday?”

Alan stared at the ceiling. “It was… exactly what I deserved.”

The microwave beeped once.

Fade to beige.