The Great Vending Machine Coup”

Gerald had a plan.

It wasn’t a good plan, but plans in Meh City rarely are. Especially when you’re a disgraced snack inspector banned from every 7-Eleven east of the Mississippi.

He stood in front of the vending machine outside Meh High School—code-named The Iron Belly—wearing a trench coat stuffed with screwdrivers, chewing gum, and a laminated copy of the Geneva Convention (just in case).

“Today,” Gerald whispered, “we take back what’s ours.”

Inside the building, Camden was organizing the 3rd unofficial tournament of the week. This one was called “Guess That Smell: Faculty Edition.” Mr. Silvers had already fainted twice, and no one knew what was in the teacher’s lounge fridge. Probably vengeance.

Meanwhile, Meh was busy decoding a note someone had left in his locker. It was just the word “PEARS” written in Comic Sans, but it was underlined twice. That meant something.

Back at the vending machine, Gerald struck. His weapon of choice? A Canadian quarter and a deep sense of entitlement. He twisted, tapped, and yelled obscure snack-themed incantations.

Suddenly—clunk.

Out dropped a can of off-brand soda: Doctor Pooper.

“Success,” he muttered.

But as he turned to celebrate, the vending machine opened… by itself.

Out stepped a man in a velvet bathrobe and Crocs. He carried a clipboard and an aura of unresolved trauma.

“I am the Vendor,” he said.

Gerald blinked. “You’re real?”

“I’m as real as your lactose intolerance. You’ve broken the Pact. The Snackiverse must now reckon with you.”

Cue dramatic lightning. Indoors.

Scene cut to Meh, who had just discovered that ‘PEARS’ was actually an acronym:

P.E.A.R.S. = People Eating Artificial Raisins Secretly

He gasped. “That explains the granola bar incidents.”

Just then, the hallway lights dimmed. A soda can rolled past. And the faint voice of Gerald could be heard shouting, “I REGRET NOTHINGGG—”

Back in the present:

Camden won the tournament by correctly identifying “that weird gym sock smell” as Principal Lundgren’s cologne. Meh, now wearing aluminum foil around his head, started a student task force called the Anti-Raisin Coalition.

And Gerald?

Well, rumor has it he still lives in the vending machine… dispensing chaos one snack at a time.

Tagline:

When the snacks fight back, who really wins?